This is a guest post written by my offbeat husband Jay. Love this guy!
On our recent visit to the coast, we discovered an interesting fact. Vultures at the coast live longer than vultures inland. What an odd phenomenon! How could this be? Same species, same genotype? This fact precipitated many discussions. With our perspective of wanting everyone to eat clean, fresh and local, Robin and I examined every angle. First, was there a difference in their micro biome? Did eating three-week-old possum, do more good for their micro biome than consuming armadillo on the half shell, or possibly last week’s fish cleanings that wash up on the shore? This just begged for research, so research we did. We performed fecal coliforms on Vultures from the mountains, on Vultures from the midlands and finally on Vultures from the coast. At this point, since we had the opportunity, we had colonoscopies performed on all Vultures involved. (Non were harmed in this process.) It has been proven that finding issues early is a great way to increase longevity. Aside from a few small polyps and hemorrhoids, all came out with flying colors. But back to our research, because you really do not want to see the pictures. We took the numbers, massaged the data, analyzed the results and what did we find? The micro biomes of all three groups were proven to be, by scientific research, biomes that would make any raw milk, butter culturing, kefir eating, kombucha sucking foodie jealous! Differences in their micro biomes was obviously not the answer. So what was it? Was it exercise? We headed there next. If you take a Vulture and look at their territory, you could illustrate that territory as a circle. That Vulture would fly around within that territory. For the inland Vultures that is true. For the Vultures at the coast, this is not the case. Take a coast Vulture and place a circle to mark its territory. By definition, living at the coast, the coast Vultures territory is one half as big as the inland Vultures. Hence, they would be moving one half as much as the inland Vultures. Getting one half as much exercise would lead you to believe that the coast Vultures would be less healthy than the inland ones. Our conclusion on this point was that exercise and the relative amount for each group did not have an effect on longevity.
Back we go to square one. Why DO the coastal Vultures live longer than the inland ones? We decided to examine the diets of each group in relation to how much of each macronutrient was contained therein. We are definitely on to something here. Off we go with renewed energy to determine what the balance of macronutrients was in each group’s diet. Finding the cause of the coastal Vultures longevity and being able to take that knowledge to provide the inland Vultures with longer, healthier, more productive lives really had us motivated. Dietary content and samples were obtained from all groups. Each sample was then sent to University of South Carolina and North Carolina State University for separate, independent analysis. The results took forever to come in. At last we had our answer. Both sets of tests came back the same. Mountain Vultures consumed 50% protein, 50% fat and zero carbs. Midland Vultures consumed 50% protein, 50% fat and zero carbs. The coastal Vultures also consumed 50% protein, 50% fat and zero carbs. This entire group was on board with the paleo lifestyle. What really distressed us was their total abstinence of any vegetables. How could they live without vegetables? But we had to continue our research. But where to look now? What could possibly be causing this phenomenon? Out of the box thinking was called for. Perhaps it is not a surface issue. Maybe it is an underlying issue that is benefitting the coastal Vultures. What if, because they are living near the coast, they are eating the avian equivalent of the mediterranean diet! As earlier stated, they are eating no vegetables, so where is the heart healthy olive oil coming from? Wait, an epiphany occurred! How could we have forgotten Vilhjalmur Stefansson, the Inuit and the Eskimos? It is not the macronutrient balance, it is not the amount or type of vegetable, it IS that they are eating more fish. Which is giving them more omega 3. Which in turn is helping boost their heart health. Eureka! It is a proven scientific fact that Omega 3 helps you have a healthier heart. So there you have it. Another mystery has been explained. Coastal Vultures live longer than their inland cousins due to the increased consumption of fish, ergo, omega 3 fatty acid. A sense of relief came over us. Until we realized that it is not right, maybe even downright unfair for the coastal Vultures to live longer that their cousins just because they eat more fish! What can be done? Something should be done. It turns out we were not finished. A solution has to be put in place. A solution we would find. Discussions occurred with many groups regarding a solution. The USDA, EPA, IRS, WWE, WWF, the Bureau of Land Management, HHS and many more. Many highly regarded experts were consulted as well, such as George Clooney, Angelina Jolie, The Rock, Brian Williams, and Al Roker.
This is the solution that was reached. The government will require that big pharma, such as Pfizer, Merck, and Novartis, produce a topical spray of Statins. This is the heart healthy drug that has been “proven” to reduce cholesterol. The government has told us that to make our heart healthier, reduce our cholesterol. Statins do this. This spray will be required to be kept in every vehicle on the road across the nation. Anytime an emergency happens, such as a squirrel, possum, raccoon or a deer, the driver must get out immediately and spray the animal with the topical statin. Later, when the Vultures come to dine, they will receive a dose of statins, thereby reducing their cholesterol and making their heart healthier. Problem solved.
This is just one of the things we did while we were on vacation, but it kept us from being bored. And the Vultures are really happy too.